• Home
• About 21st
  Century Leader
• Organisational
  change
• Facilitation
• Training
• Keynotes and
  workshops
• Free
  resources
• Clients
• Contact us

You are talking with a business colleague. At one point in the conversation, your colleague says something a bit dodgy, and that little voice in your head – the voice of your intuition – immediately comes out with something very negative. Something like:

What a stupid thing to say

He's being really defensive

She's just contradicted herself

How do you respond to this little voice, which you know in your heart is telling the truth?

Option one is to be ruthlessly honest, and say out loud to your colleague whatever the little voice in your head has just said to you. Few people choose this option, because this kind of honesty will probably wreck the relationship and leave both you and your colleague feeling bad.

For this reason, most people go for option two, which is to say nothing. Ignore that little voice in your head – your intuition – and just carry on with the conversation. This may cause you some discomfort, but it seems better than voicing the brutal truth.

There is a third option – an option which is very much better than options one and two.

Option three is to ask yourself this question: What can I say that honours the intentions of my little voice, and genuinely benefits my colleague?

Here's an example. You are talking to a colleague about some problems he is having with a particular team member. When your colleague says: The problem with X is that she's totally set in her ways. She'll never try anything new, the little voice in your head immediately responds: That's not my experience of X. If anyone's stuck in their ways it's you.

So what do you say out loud? An option one response would be to blurt out: If anyone's stuck in their ways it's you. An option two response would be to bite your tongue and say nothing.

An option three response acknowledges what your little voice is saying and genuinely benefits the other person. Here are some possible option three responses:

Have there ever been any situations when she has changed, even just a bit?

What could you do to find out what would need to happen for her to change?

Is it possible that there are things you are doing that stop her from changing?

I've given a range of responses, because there's no right answer – it all depends on the person, the situation, the relationship you have with them and what you are trying to achieve. Doubtless, you could think of other responses. But notice how the most productive responses honour the intention of your little voice, and genuinely benefit the other person.

You may find this approach to responding to your little voice is something you already do (doesn't everyone do that?) or you may find that it takes a bit of practice. It's a great skill to have if you want to be an authentic leader.

For more productive responses to those little voices in your head, take a look at Robert Dilts' work on Sleight of Mouth, and Chris Argyris' work on defensive routines.